The Adventures of SnarkMan!
by lizfanfiction
Summary: A comical cross between Batman and House, MD. When House falls asleep watching his favorite childhood cartoon, he falls into a very strange dream...
1. Chapter 1

The Adventures of SnarkMan

House had been enjoying a pleasant afternoon in the Clinic. Wait, let me rephrase that. House had been enjoying a pleasant afternoon watching TV in a locked exam room… in the Clinic. So far, he'd enjoyed one too many episodes of General Hospital (if that was possible), a rerun of Grey's Anatomy, and now it would appear that there was nothing on. House flipped through the channels until he finally landed on the Kid's WB (WB, CW… whatever). Currently playing was one of his favorite childhood shows, Batman and Robin. Now, we all know that House never really outgrew his childhood… so he continued to watch the show. And of course, House being House, he fell asleep on the exam table. And when you fall asleep watching TV, you dream. And that's exactly what House did. He dreamed.

House was awoken by a violent shaking. No, it wasn't an earthquake. It was… Chase? Chase was currently dressed in green tights and a hideous red and yellow top. Now, everyone knows that Chase doesn't have the best fashion sense, but this was just ridiculous. "Stop it…" mumbled House. "Chase… why the hell are you shaking me?"

"Who's Chase?"

House opened his eyes wider to find that he was in some sort of lair. He was no longer wearing his usual tee and jeans either. Instead, he wore all black. Something about all this seemed familiar. "Why did you wake me up?"

"SnarkGirl said there was a break in at the bank," said Chase (?) quickly. "We'd better hurry!"

House could have predicted the answer, but he asked the question anyways. "I'm sorry… but SnarkGirl?"

As if on cue, Cameron dashed into the giant lair dressed in an all black leather jumpsuit. "Quick, SnarkMan! We have to hurry!"

House indulged their fantasies and followed them to a separate room in the lair. "To the SnarkMobile!" he joked. Oddly, though, neither Chase nor Cameron was laughing. Instead, they led him to a giant room with nothing in it but a black corvette.

"Sweet ride," said House.

"Come on!" shouted Chase. He hopped into the back seat of the corvette. Cameron took the passenger side (for obvious reasons). House only assumed that he was driving.

"Alright." He gave in. "Where's this bank you were talking about?"

Heck, if he'd do anything to see Cameron… I mean SnarkGirl… in action, even if it did mean taking Wombat to the bank.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

SnarkMan and his sidekicks arrived at the Gotham City Bank. And they were just in time, too. Loud shouts of horror could be heard from inside.

"Can't you tell those people to shut up?" groaned SnarkMan. "Their screams are giving me a headache!"

SnarkGirl hopped out of the car, soon followed by Wombat. "Those shouts," said SnarkGirl. "They can only mean one thing!"

He should have seen this coming, but he didn't.

SnarkMan, SnarkGirl, and Wombat all dashed into the bank ready for a fight. Inside, was…Cuddy? She was wearing a sleek and shimmering black jumpsuit that went from knee to cleavage (barely). It seemed about 2 sizes too small, but nobody was complaining about that.

SnarkMan chuckled. "God Cuddy, you should wear that to work more often."

Cuddy turned her attention to SnarkMan. "Hey," she said. "It's CatCuddy to you!"

SnarkMan was shockingly enjoying CatCuddy's demanding ways.

"Come on, SnarkMan," said Wombat. "We have to stop her!"

"Why?" whined House. "She looks hot in that suit."

The screaming of the Gotham citizens continued and SnarkMan could barely stand it.

"WILL YOU SHUT UP?!" he shouted. Suddenly, everything went silent except for the cracking of CatCuddy's whip.

One citizen who looked an awful lot like House's latest patient spoke up. "We're sorry, SnarkMan," he said, "But she was threatening to give us all Clinic duty!"

SnarkMan gasped. "CatCuddy!" he shouted. "You won't get away with this!"

CatCuddy cackled in her malevolent way. "Watch me!"

SnarkMan and his two sidekicks took action. While Wombat pulled out his hairspray of doom, SnarkGirl round-house kicked CatCuddy. The stylish stilettos that were a mandatory part of SnarkGirl's uniform (SnarkMan made all the calls) slashed CatCuddy's jumpsuit in all the right places.

"Aren't you going to help us?" shouted Wombat as he sprayed his stinky hairspray.

"Nope," said SnarkMan, "It looks like you've got things under control." He admired the scene before him: CatCuddy losing her clothes as SnarkGirl, in her shockingly tight jumpsuit, kicked her over and over. Wombat, well, Wombat was trying to help but his spray just proved to be useless.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

In a matter of minutes, SnarkGirl and Wombat had tied CatCuddy up in her own whip. She was currently squirming to break free (and SnarkMan was admiring this particular movement).

"We should call the police," said the ethical SnarkGirl. She always wanted to call the police and have them lock up the bad guys. God, she was such a killjoy.

SnarkMan had a better idea. "Let's take her back to that secret lair of mine."

"No way!" shouted Wombat. "Then we'll be in big trouble, SnarkMan."

SnarkMan rolled his eyes. "Roll her into the car, okay?"

Wombat heaved a sigh, but did as he was told. Meanwhile, SnarkGirl gave her leader that sexy angry glare of hers. SnarkMan just admired it as they all walked back out to the SnarkMobile.

As soon as they'd stepped outside, though, Wombat shouted, "Holy Vicodin, SnarkMan!"

SnarkGirl glanced up into the sky where Wombat was looking. "SnarkMan!" she bellowed. "It's the SnarkSign!"

SnarkMan looked up into the sky where a giant beam of light in the shape of a vicodin pill could be seen. He smirked. "So where to next, my ducklings?"

SnarkGirl and Wombat seemed confused. Ducklings?

SnarkMan rolled his eyes. "All right," he sighed. He put on his best Batman voice. "SnarkGirl and Wombat! It's the SnarkSign! Where to next?!"

SnarkGirl and Wombat looked at each other. "To the lair!"

With that, the two of them threw (literally) CatCuddy into the back of the SnarkMobile and SnarkMan hopped into the driver's seat.

With a screech of the tires, SnarkMan shouted, "To the SnarkCave!"

During the whole drive, Snarkman could see CatCuddy (who was currently tied up and lying on her side) carefully observing Wombat's legs. SnarkMan smirked to himself.

"Oh, CatCuddy!" he shouted.

"What?" she grimaced.

"You play your cards right, and I'm sure we could have you and Wombat spending plenty of time together."

Wombat looked worried, but CatCuddy was becoming rather excited.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

SnarkMan, his sidekicks, and CatCuddy all arrived at the SnarkCave. They were just in time, too!

"What's wrong?" shouted Wombat a bit too loudly as they all entered the SnarkCave.

"Would you stop shouting?" commanded House.

Wombat seemed confused. Wasn't it his job to shout?

Just then, Wilson came running through the door of what House could only guess was some other Batman knock-off room. Oddly enough, Wilson wasn't wearing his usual vest or tie. Instead, he was fully suited in a tuxedo. He even had a mustache, which oddly enough wasn't the same color as the hair on his head.

"What's wrong, James?" asked SnarkGirl.

House was bewildered. Since when did Cameron call Wilson…James? "Yeah, Wilson, what's up?"

"I do not know why you insist upon calling me by my last name, sir," said Wilson dully. "But there is an emergency."

"An emergency?!" shouted Wombat.

"For Chrissakes!" shouted CatCuddy. "Would you quit with the yelling already? We can all hear you!"

"Indeed, miss," said James. "Sir, there seems to be a shortage of Vicodin."

"A shortage of Vicodin?!" shouted House. This was indeed an emergency.

"SnarkMan probably just ate them all," said CatCuddy smugly.

"Hey!" said House rudely. "You want any alone time with Wombat and you'd better shut that little mouth of yours."

CatCuddy's mouth shut just as quickly as she'd opened it, and her excitement was apparent when her grin became as large as…I can't think of a nonsexual metaphor.

"Sir," said James dully in his monotone voice.

"What is it now?" asked House, irritated.

"The shortage of Vicodin isn't our only problem."

"What could be worse than a shortage of Vicodin?!"

"It would appear that the vicodin has been stolen," said James.

"This can only mean one thing!" shouted Wombat, hoping that someone else in the room knew what that one thing was so he wouldn't have to elaborate. After all, he had no idea what it was; he was just trying to appear as quick-witted and smart as his leader.

SnarkGirl gasped dramatically. "It must be… The Ghetto Gangsta!!"

Everyone in the room gasped in horror except for House, who was still trying to grasp the concept that Wilson…erm, James, was his butler.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

SnarkMan had James lock CatCuddy in the Jello Room (for obvious reasons) before he, Wombat, and SnarkGirl hopped in the SnarkMobile to go and capture the Ghetto Gangsta. He'd stolen SnarkMan's Vicodin, and he wasn't going to get away with it!

A speedy drive through Gotham City (which oddly enough looked and felt like it was hand-drawn in a comic book) led the Snarkastic team to the secret underground lair of the Ghetto Gangsta.

The team hopped out of their black and stylish corvette, but SnarkMan seemed confused. All he saw was a dumpster in an alleyway. "What the hell are we doing here?" he asked. "Where's this Ghetto Gangsta guy?"

"This is where he deals most of his drugs," clarified SnarkGirl.

"He should be around here somewhere!" shouted Wombat (for reasons unknown).

Just then, SnarkMan found a white tablet lying on the ground. He picked it up and observed it. Sure enough, it was Vicodin. "Look here!" he shouted.

Wombat and SnarkGirl glanced at the tablet in unison.

"He must be around here somewhere!" shouted Wombat.

SnarkGirl rolled her eyes. "Well, no duh."

SnarkMan rolled his eyes as well. "Come on, we must find this Ghetto Gangsta!"

Right as Wombat and SnarkMan started heading back to the car, SnarkGirl stopped them. "Wait!" she shouted. "I think I found something!"

There was a window near the ground next to the dumpster. It was obviously for some underground room. In front of the window was a whole stack of Vicodin.

SnarkMan and Wombat rushed to the scene of the pills eagerly. "What is it?!" they shouted.

"Look!" shouted SnarkGirl. "It's Vicodin!"

SnarkMan grinned and began to pick the pills up one by one and place them in his pocket. He was about to eat a handful of them when SnarkGirl stopped him.

"You can't do that!" she shouted. "For all we know, The Ghetto Gangsta could have tainted them! He's probably setting you up for a trap!"

"Pft," said Wombat smugly. "And I thought you were a doctor."

"I'm not a doctor," said SnarkMan, playing the part, "I thought I was a superhero."

Now everyone seemed confused. It was just as well, though, because they would have time to think it over. Suddenly a trap door opened up right below them and the pills. Before they knew it, they were trapped in an underground prison that was no doubt made by The Ghetto Gangsta himself. How would they ever get out of this one?!


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"Holy Vicodin, SnarkMan!" shouted Wombat. "We're trapped in an underground prison!"

"Is it just me, or do you think his tights are constricting the blood flow to his brain, too?" SnarkGirl asked SnarkMan.

As much as SnarkMan agreed that there was obviously something wrong with Wombat's brain, he couldn't help himself from rudely replying. After all, he _was_ SnarkMan. "Tight pants can't restrict blood flow to the brain," he quipped. "If they could CatCuddy would have stroked out long ago."

SnarkGirl and Wombat cast each other a why-do-we-even-ask glance before looking back to their leader.

"So what do we do?" asked Wombat.

"How the hell should I know?" replied SnarkMan. "Today's my first day as a superhero. You guys have been playing in my fantasies for god knows how long. If anyone knows how to get out of here, it's you."

SnarkGirl ignored the comment about being in SnarkMan's fantasies (though it did excite her slightly) as she jumped up, nearly hitting her head on the roof of the small prison. "I have an idea!" she shouted brightly.

SnarkMan glared at her, hoping that her idea included more than overreacting and nearly knocking yourself out on the roof of the prison.

SnarkGirl saw his glare and elaborated. "Wombat could use his Nail File of Death to file through some of the bars, and we could just walk right out!"

"Wombat has a Nail File of Death?" asked a surprised SnarkMan. He wasn't really sure why he was surprised though.

"Hey," said they whiny Wombat. "So what if I like to keep my nails clean and rounded?"

SnarkMan and SnarkGirl just rolled their eyes. "Would you just file already?"

Wombat nodded and pulled out his silver Nail File of Death. His two teammates watched as he quickly and expertly filed through the bars of the prison. It wasn't long before the whole Snarkastic Team was free.

"Gee," Snarkman quipped. "You should have gone to beauty school instead of medical school."

SnarkGirl snorted, but Wombat just looked confused.

"When did I go to medical school?" he asked incredulously.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Just as soon as the Snarkastic Team had escaped, trouble arose once again. A loud chuckle could be heard from somewhere down the corridor.

"What the hell was that?" whispered SnarkMan.

"It's… It's… It's…" Wombat was cowering now.

SnarkGirl decided to finish Wombat's sentence, considering he probably wouldn't be able to do so himself anytime soon. "It's the Ghetto Gangsta!"

Wombat gasped and nearly fell backwards in fear.

"Oh snap out of it," said SnarkMan.

Wombat did as he was told and tried to stop shaking in fear.

Out of the dark and dismal shadows, a figure appeared. SnarkMan had already anticipated this, obviously. That particular figure was, of course, Foreman. Now, SnarkMan probably should have taken the matter more seriously seeing as he was in The Ghetto Gangsta's lair, and not the other way around, but he didn't. As soon as he saw Foreman, he cracked out laughing.

Foreman didn't really look like a gangster considering he wasn't wearing loose or baggy clothes or anything. On the contrary, he was wearing a slimming purple suit with a matching rimmed hat (accompanied with a feather). He did, however, have the necessary gold bling around his neck.

"Is there somthin' you be findin' funny?" asked The Ghetto Gangsta in the most ridiculous ghettonian dialect SnarkMan had ever heard. I think it's pretty pointless to even ask why SnarkMan had heard many ghettonian dialects, though.

SnarkMan continued to laugh outrageously. He was finding it hard to answer The Ghetto Gangsta's question, though he desperately wanted to.

Everyone stared foolishly as SnarkMan tried to regain his composure.

Just when SnarkMan almost had his breathing under control again, though, his nemesis decided to speak again.

"Is there a lil somthin' somthin' wrong wit him?" asked The Ghetto Gangsta incredulously.

SnarkMan broke out laughing again. Everyone else in the room took their time to casually glance around the corridor while they waited for SnarkMan to calm down. After all, you can't have a fighting scene without the man character.

"Is you done now?" questioned The Ghetto Gangsta.

SnarkMan's breathing was still rapid, but he did manage to retort to the villain's first question. "Dear God, Foreman! They should have called you the Purple Pimp or something," he said sarcastically. "Who the hell came up with this Ghetto Gangsta crap?"

"Probably TPTB," said SnarkGirl casually as she examined her nails.

Everyone in the room quickly shut up and looked at her skeptically. Who the hell was TPTB?


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

The Ghetto Gangsta took his fighting stance, which seemed to surprise SnarkMan.

"What?" he asked. "You're kidding me right?"

SnarkGirl and Wombat looked at SnarkMan with their what-in-the-world-are-you-talking-about expressions.

"Come on!" shouted SnarkMan. "The guy looks like Huggie Bear!"

"Who's Huggie Bear?" asked Wombat.

SnarkGirl rolled her eyes. If anyone was going to get this fight started, it would have to be her. She charged after The Ghetto Gangsta and applied her trademark roundhouse stiletto kick. SnarkMan, of course, just admired the way her ass looked while she did so.

"Come on!" shouted SnarkGirl. "I need a little help over here!"

SnarkMan's eyes didn't leave SnarkGirl's behind. "No…" he mumbled. "I think you're doing fine on your own."

"No way," said Wombat. His eyes were on SnarkGirl's bottom as well. "She's doing excellent."

SnarkMan noticed Wombat staring at SnarkGirl. "Hey!" he said. "She's mine!"

"Hey, you're the one always drooling over CatCuddy!"

"Whatever," SnarkMan said with a roll of the eyes. "It was your legs she was goggling at!"

"She was not staring at my legs!"

"I beg to differ," said SnarkMan. "What she sees in you, I'll never understand."

Wombat's jaw dropped. "What do you mean?!"

"Oh come on," SnarkMan quipped. "You don't even have the word 'snark' in your name!"

"That's because you wouldn't let me have it in my name!" shot Wombat.

"Well I wonder why!" said SnarkMan. "If I don't let you touch my markers, why the hell would I let you use my name?"

"What markers?"

POW! WHAM! BANG! (And any other sound words you can think of) were heard in the background of SnarkMan and Wombat's fighting.

"Are you guys done fighting yet?!" shouted SnarkGirl.

Wombat and SnarkMan turned their heads away from each other to find that SnarkGirl had tied The Ghetto Gangsta up in some sort of red ribbon (SnarkMan was turned on when he considered where this ribbon could have come from), and there was a full bag of Vicodin in her hands.

"You did it!" shouted Wombat gleefully.

"No thanks to you two," snapped SnarkGirl. She handed SnarkMan his Vicodin nonetheless. He was, after all, the leader. And as she was handing him the bag of pills, she planted a sweet kiss on his cheek.

"How come he gets a kiss?" whimpered Wombat.

"I'm hot, your not," said SnarkMan.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Once again, SnarkMan found that it might be more fun to take his villain back to his secret lair for abuse and torture as opposed to handing him over to the police. SnarkMan was still the boss, so his underlings did as they were told and threw The Ghetto Gangsta into the back seat (still tied in red ribbon) next to Wombat. SnarkGirl took her place in the passenger seat as SnarkMan hopped in the driver's seat. It was go time.

On the way back to the SnarkCave, SnarkMan couldn't help but notice The Ghetto Gangsta admiring the green tights of Wombat.

"You like the scenery?" asked SnarkMan peering into the rear-view mirror.

"What-chu talkin' bout, SnarkMan?" asked The Ghetto Gangsta.

SnarkMan started laughing once again. He didn't know if it was because his two male ducklings apparently had a thing for each other or because he was correct in assuming that Foreman's ghettonian dialect sounded similar to Gary Coleman. It could be both.

&&&&&

Once they arrived back at the SnarkCave, SnarkMan had Wombat unload their newest guest. James greeted them at the door.

"Hello, sir."

"What's up, Jimmy?" asked SnarkMan.

James seemed somewhat offended by being called Jimmy. "Nothing is up, sir," he said. "I trust you found your Vicodin?"

SnarkMan's eyebrows wiggled as he held up the large bag of tasty white pills.

James winced at the sight, but was still happy for his master. "Sir, might I ask why you've brought The Ghetto Gangsta here?"

"I thought it might be fun to lock him up in the Jello room with CatCuddy," said SnarkMan with a grin. "Hell, let's throw Wombat in there, too."

Wombat cast SnarkMan a look of horror.

"Sir," said James. "I have some rather unpleasant news regarding CatCuddy."

"Oh god," moaned SnarkMan. "What is it now?"

"Sir, she seems to have eaten through the walls of your Jello room."

"How'd she do that?" SnarkMan seemed amazed.

"There's always room for Jello, sir."

SnarkMan rolled his eyes. "Where is she now?"

"She's lounging in the Mud Pit Room, sir."

SnarkMan grinned. "We have a Mud Pit room?!"

Wombat and SnarkGirl looked at him curiously. How could he _not_ know about the Mud Pit room?!

&&&&&

Needless to say, SnarkMan ordered The Ghetto Gangsta to be thrown into the Mud Pit room with CatCuddy. Wombat and SnarkGirl were ordered to go with him….

Twenty minutes and three beers later, SnarkMan found himself enjoying the sight of his life: Wombat and The Ghetto Gangsta were wrestling in one mud pit, which he found endlessly comical. SnarkGirl and CatCuddy were wrestling in another mud pit, which of course was just plain hot. He declared that the winner would win a kiss from him. Of course, when hearing this, SnarkGirl took out a red ribbon from god knows where and tied CatCuddy down.

"Do I get my kiss now?" she beamed.

SnarkMan was once again turned on when he saw CatCuddy… tied up. Then again, SnarkGirl didn't look too bad herself. She of course, had won her rightful prize, so SnarkMan gave it to her.

TBC: The next chapter is the last. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

SnarkMan was in the middle of the hottest kiss with SnarkGirl he could ever remember, when suddenly everything began to go dark.

He could no longer see the Mud Pit room or any of his guests. Wombat was no longer there, and neither was James, CatCuddy, or the Ghetto Gangsta.

Oddly enough… he could still feel the kiss though.

&&&&&

House opened his eyes to reveal the interior of Exam Room 2. It had all been a dream! Well, of course it had. I mean, there's no such thing as SnarkMan.

And no wonder the kiss was the last sensation of the dream to disappear. Nurse Katie was standing right over him with a goofy grin on her face. House knew exactly what that meant. He quickly wiped his lips off.

"Ugh!" he groaned. "Katie! What the hell was that for?"

Katie bashfully shrugged. "I tried shaking you, I tried talking to you, and you just wouldn't wake up."

"Maybe I didn't want to wake up," said House as he stated the obvious.

"Why wouldn't you want to be woken up?" asked Katie curiously. After all, Cuddy could have caught him in there.

"I was having a really good dream," said House.

Katie grinned. "Was I in it?!"

House rolled his eyes. "I said it was really good, not really annoying."

Katie frowned and left the room.

As House watched Katie leave the room, he noticed that his portable TV was still on; however Batman appeared to be over considering the end credits were rolling….

SnarkMan!

SnarkMan!

SnarkMan!

SnarkMan!

SnarkMan!

SnarkMan!

SnarkMan!

SnarkMan!

SnarkMan!

SnarkMan!

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

SnarkMan!

**FIN!**


End file.
